Saying Goodbye…

I found out yesterday that my grandpa he a week to 4 weeks left to live. He has fluid around his heart and his kidneys are failing him. Why am I blogging about it? Well, this is my journal and I have feelings to let out. ❤

To be so honest, I have very few good memories of my grandpa. After my grandma passed away when I was in elementary school, my grandpa has made – in my view – no attempt at keeping our family strong. He has been married several times since my grandma passed away and has had a life filled with sin and ill-service to God.

Ever since my mom called me, all I can think, pray and have anxiety about is my terrible fear that my grandpa has not accepted our Lord, Jesus Christ, as his Savior. I know there are a million different biblicial interpretations of Heaven and how you get there. To me, it has always seemed crystal clear. You spend your life a good, giving person willing to speak God’s word to all whom you encounter. You always put others before yourself; even your enemies. You love everyone as a reflection of God’s love for us. I think a ticket to an eteral life in the sweet Kingdom of God is not something earned and deserved five minutes before you die – when you become scared and you realize that judgement day is near. I am going to see my grandpa on Saturday and I plan to ask him if he has accepted Jesus as his Savior. I can only pray that he says yes and the rest is between him and God. In my view, it’s a prety big deal. You can’t just squeek out a sentence to a random pastor moments before you die and expect grace eternal life. Can you?

I love my grandpa dearly and I do not judge him for his poor choices the past 20+ years. The judging is not my job. The praying is my job. What I do regret is his lack of interest in his grandchildren, their accomplishments, milestones and his great-grandchildren. My son was born on my grandma’s birthday – January 31st – so I am sure Noah is a bit of a reminder of my grandma to him. He has missed so much sweet joy because he has MANY grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

My grandpa is ready to go. He was a great father and provider to my mom and her siblings. I am sad for my mom because I know her heart hurts. He is our last living grandparent. I hope I have the change, God willing, to say good-bye. I also need to hug my mom…tight.

Pray for me friends as I am rarely weak…I will need it.

Metamorphosis

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is absolutely something new.” – Rajneesh

Metamorphosis. A transformation, as by magic or sorcery. A marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function. YES! Exactly. Pre-baby, “plans” were different. January 31st, 2009, “plans” changed and I was then planning to run, full-tilt, into mommyhood and I planned to embrace every second. As any person who knew me pre-Noah, metamorphosis is the absolute best way to describe the transformation. I have! I really, really have.

Exactly a week from today, my baby boy is turning FOUR. I am sitting at Chocolatea this evening having my weekly “tea time” and simply reflecting on the past four years. On January 31st, 2009, Noah came into the world and when he was placed in my arms, at that very moment, I made a choice. I decided that I would be the primary influence in his life from this day forward. I had so many other options, but being home with Noah has been single-handedly the best choice I have ever made. I don’t wear new and expensive clothes and I try to live a frugal lifestyle because material things are not important to me and I thank God everyday that I was raised that way. There have been sacrifices made the past four years and I would make each of them all over again. The sacrifice pales in comparison to the value being home with our Noah has brought him and us.

I remember the anxiety I used to get leading up to Noah’s birth simply entertaining the unknown. I never pictured my self first birthing our son, taking my maternity leave and then rushing off like a gazelle to my 8-5. In my mind, that was never going to happen. That would have been more similar to a turtle, heavy from the profound weight on my heart for doing exactly the opposite my calling. Granted, I would have done whatever necessary to make sure our family had what we needed; as long as it meant I could be home with our son. And I did. Children are only young once and then it is GONE! They will be grown. I have the rest of my life to work and 8-5’s are always sure to be there. Now, please know that I have significant respect for my friends and family that have chosen to work full-time after having children. The world needs all of us and those women, too, are strong and amazing at their own jobs and talents. I am good at what I do everyday and I enjoy it to tears every single day. I truly cherish and will always remember every moment I have with Noah – as every parent does with their child. Some prefer not to have “motherhood” be their identity. For me, it is spelled all over me and particularly – my heart. I am okay with answering the question, “What do you do?” with “I’m a mom.” Followed by a smile.

As the author of this particular story, Amy Mercer, described of the day she quit her job, “Within moments it was over. The anxiety gone. Walking out of the building I felt like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. The sun was warm on my face and I pushed a strand of hair out of my eyes. I smiled down at my boy and said, “We’re free!” For some, it is simply not an option and perhaps it is because all women are so much different. It is where we are meant to be. As with any day-to-day job, there are good and bad days. For me, I even embrace the bad. My son is sick? Well, I am thankful that I can be the one to care for him. Truly, it is freedom at its finest. I don’t need to ask anybody if I can leave to take my child to the doctor, I can sew/craft/cook/SIT in my underwear (while Noah is resting/napping, of course), I can take a nap while Noah naps, we can go where we want when we want and I am the one to decide when that happens during the day for Noah; I am my own boss and I have never felt more freedom, joy and gratitude than I have the past four years as a result of that! Freedom to some, I know, is walking out the door every morning and having a professional career; having adult interaction. As I said, we all are different.

I’m good. We are great. A week from today, my baby will be 4 years old. I look forward to metamorphosing (again) after I am done raising my child. We will have to see and, to me, it is worth the wait….

REAL

Sorry to leave everyone on their toes and thinking that I forgot about my word of focus for 2013!! I have not forgotten, in fact, it has been at the forefront of my thoughts for weeks!! One evening, I even broke down crying about it because I was having a tough time narrowing it down. Since I tend to complicate things sometimes, I decided on the word REAL; however, I will be focusing on the acronym for the word REAL. He we go…

The ‘R’ in REAL represents the word RISK, which has been at the tip of my tongue forever, but I have not been able to commit to taking more risks for reasons pointed out in my previous post regarding my compulsion to plan every detail. 2013, for me, will focus on taking RISKS and letting God set the path. After all, as you all know, our son was not part of “the plan” or written in my planner in May of 2008 and my God, he has been the single best blessing and gift that God could have ever given us! Risk #1? Blessings Unlimited! Check it out!

The ‘E’ in REAL represents the word ENJOY and by this I simply mean taking time to breathe and look around to take in the beauty we are surrounded by in this world. I grew up less than five minutes from the shoreline of Lake Michigan and what an incredible gift that I took for granted! Michigan is so unique in so many ways and the great lakes are a glorious example of that. This year I will discipline myself to slow down sometimes to enjoy the journey. Finding the balance between this and taking on more through pursuing some risks will be the ultimate challenge! God will provide; He always does.

The ‘A’ in the word REAL really ties so closely into ENJOY. APPRECIATE. They truly go hand-in-hand, but appreciate more applies to being sure to tell and show my friends, family and neighbors home much I really do appreciate, adore and love them with all of my heart and being.

The ‘L’ in REAL is carrying over from my focus in 2012, which was to LEARN. I always have wide open arms to learning, but prior to now, I was very cautious as to when and how that took place. I needed to first consider every single pro and con. Last year I wanted so badly to learn to knit and in the meantime, I got close with a friend that I will always hold dear! I love you, Denise! She introduced me to a fabulous hobby and I am really thankful for that. This year, I have not yet decided what specifically I want to learn, but all I know is that I am going to be more willing to ENJOY and APPRECIATE opportunities to LEARN when the prospect of RISK approaches me.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Ps. 37:4

My heart desires a REAL 2013!!! Bring it on!